theeternalclock:

"Oh my god, oh my god no… just no" 

"I got a dick full of helium, I’ll fuck you up"

Bo Burnham, “WORDS WORDS WORDS”

fuckyeahroosterteethproductions:

This is all I’ll ever need.

I got scared at the shelf!

and some more gems

and my personal favorite

This line, apparently, was improvised.

facts-i-just-made-up:

we-are-all-quite-mad-here:

facts-i-just-made-up:

rocky-otter:

facts-i-just-made-up:

cocktormedick:

facts-i-just-made-up:

Mated turtles share their shells!
Not always but often when a pair of turtles mates, the male will leave his own shell and move in with the female. After doing so the couple will coordinate their arm and leg movements to walk and even swim.

I call this “Trying to get notes with false facts.”

I assure you, Facts-I-Just-Made-Up would never post false facts just to get notes. I also do it to confuse, misinform, and hurt people.

TURTLES SPINES ARE FUSED TO THEIR FUCKING SHELLS!! THEY CAN’T LEAVE THEIR SHELLS!!!

No no no you’re thinking of Hermit Crabs. Hermit Crabs are fused to their shells with their spinal columns. Turtles are perfectly capable of leaving their shells, free to pursue a life of religious fulfillment.

where do the two remaining front legs go?

If you look carefully at a common single turtle, you’ll notice that they only have one front flipper. This is because at the dawn of time, all turtles were conjoined like the one above. But Zeus feared these double headed creatures and decided that they were too powerful so he split them all in two. Now, all turtles have to wander the Earth looking for their other halves, and that’s the origin of turtle love.

facts-i-just-made-up:

we-are-all-quite-mad-here:

facts-i-just-made-up:

rocky-otter:

facts-i-just-made-up:

cocktormedick:

facts-i-just-made-up:

Mated turtles share their shells!

Not always but often when a pair of turtles mates, the male will leave his own shell and move in with the female. After doing so the couple will coordinate their arm and leg movements to walk and even swim.

I call this “Trying to get notes with false facts.”

I assure you, Facts-I-Just-Made-Up would never post false facts just to get notes. I also do it to confuse, misinform, and hurt people.

TURTLES SPINES ARE FUSED TO THEIR FUCKING SHELLS!! THEY CAN’T LEAVE THEIR SHELLS!!!

No no no you’re thinking of Hermit Crabs. Hermit Crabs are fused to their shells with their spinal columns. Turtles are perfectly capable of leaving their shells, free to pursue a life of religious fulfillment.

where do the two remaining front legs go?

If you look carefully at a common single turtle, you’ll notice that they only have one front flipper. This is because at the dawn of time, all turtles were conjoined like the one above. But Zeus feared these double headed creatures and decided that they were too powerful so he split them all in two. Now, all turtles have to wander the Earth looking for their other halves, and that’s the origin of turtle love.

apricockjam:

Don’t be my friend bc ill jut send u weird ass stories like this

Omg can we be friends? I’d love to get stories like this xD

apricockjam:

Don’t be my friend bc ill jut send u weird ass stories like this

Omg can we be friends? I’d love to get stories like this xD